Hung Up
by KlosedDoor
Summary: Naruto calls Sasuke in an attempt to escape heatstroke but all he gets is a horde of screaming, incredibly horny lunatics that want nothing but to have phone sex. [oneshot] [gaanaru] [slight sasunaru]


**Summary: **Naruto calls Sasuke in an attempt to escape heatstroke but all he gets is a horde of screaming, incredibly horny lunatics that want nothing but to have phone sex. one-shot gaanaru slight sasunaru

**Disclaimer: **Masashi Kinomoto, the bestest person on Earth who happens to own Naruto, has told me he will bite my arm off if I attempt to kidnap Naruto so I have decided to hold the kidnapping off until I do not find the use for an arm anymore.

**Rating: **PG-13 for some sexual implications and language. There are also a lot of annoying zips, beeps, and rings. Before every zip is a ring and before every beep is a zip!

**Dedication: **To Ella and Tachi-chan (you know who you are) for annoying me death everyday. I do the same for them.

_**This is a one-shot in its most severe form. **_

_**Enjoy!**_

**xxxxxxx**

**Hung Up**

**by kloseddoor**

**xxxxxxx**

It was hot outside. The sun was at noon high in the sky, blazing down on all innocent creatures beneath. Creatures like Uzumaki Naruto, for example.

The blonde was sweating like crazy, his hair stuck all over his forehead and his feet sluggish in the heat. There was no way he was going to make it all the way home on foot in this kind of weather. Plus he hadn't had lunch, much less breakfast. Stomach wailing for food, he trudged onwards. He hated summers. They sucked.

His mouth felt like someone had poured glue onto it and then dumped a gallon of sawdust on afterwards and his vision was blurring. He _really _needed to get out of the heat.

Pulling out his cell phone from his pocket, Naruto flipped it open, waiting with desperation as he turned it on. It made a few beeping noises as he punched in '4', the speed dial he had set his best friend's phone to and waited expectantly for someone to pick up. Ringing once, ringing twice, ringing thrice…

"Ooh! Is it the cute blonde guy you were talking to?"

"How do I use this thing? Oh, nevermind. I got it. Hey, cutie!"

"Hola! Como estas? Tu eres muy muy sexay…"

"Genma? Is that you?" The voice sounded was heavily accented on all of them but Genma's voice in the last one was unmistakable.

"We're having a party…tonight…you know…bring food…and we're going to cover our bodies with orange chicken…" Someone was trying to hook up with him! In a creepy kind of way but still! This was no time to hook up! This was time for air conditioning to be part of Mother Nature!

_Zip._ They had hung up.

Naruto dialed again. _C'mon! Pick up!_

"Hey, Naruto?"

"SASUKE!" A cry of sheer joy.

"Did you know that Genma over here thinks you're really hot and wants to bone you?"

"SASUKE!" A cry of supreme outrage.

"Here's Genma." _Noo! Hell no! God give mercy! Nooo!_

"Hey, baby. Wanna get it on? I promise to be really gentle…"

"GIVE THE GODDAMN PHONE TO SASUKE!"

_Zip. _Beep. Beep. Beep.

Naruto was really going to kill someone. He could hear uncontrollable laughter in the background that obviously belonged to Kiba (because it was more like howling) and Kakashi (because there was _some idiot_ screaming 'Is that really Naruto?' and 'I wanna turn! I wanna turn!"). If only he could get his hands on them RIGHT NOW.

He punched in '5' this time for Kiba's cell.

_Please don't be stupid and just pick the hell up. I'm going to burn to death at this rate._

"Hey! What's up?" Kiba's voice floated over the crappy connection. Then dog-breath turned to say something to the people behind him. "Who wants the phone this time?"

"Kiba!"

"I'm horny…I'm horny…like really horny…I don't have any underwear on…"

_Zip. _Gone.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!" Naruto nearly crushed his cell phone with the bottom of his combat boots. Back to Sasuke. He just had to hope his best friend had a real heart this time.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARR!" No doubt it was Kakashi's shrieking.

"At least do it right!" Genma's scolding in the background and Sasuke's unnatural fit of giggles. More staticy background noises came through and Naruto wondered if Kakashi was still holding the phone.

"Yea yea. You guys are fucking hilarious. Now give the phone to Sasuke." The blonde gritted his teeth as he spoke.

More staticy background chit-chat.

"Helloooooooo?"

"Your mom. Bye."

_Zip. _Gone! AGAIN!

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring._

"Can I speak with Sasuke?" Naruto tried to keep from screaming 'FUCK YOU!" into the phone and hanging up.

"You're the killer! I can feel it! You're the one who did it! You're the one! The killer!" Sasuke was screeching. Did the raven think he was Itachi or was this usually stoic man drunk off his ass?

"Yea yea. You will die in seven days…" He didn't know why he was playing along with it but he was because it was slightly amusing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_Zip. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

Slack-jawed and extremely pissed off, blue eyes narrowed at the irritating monotonous sound coming from his phone. Why didn't they give me a chance to even _speak_? They were after all, the ones who had thought it would be funny to ditch him and take the subway to McDonald's without him.

Wait…if they ditched him, why the hell was he calling them for help?

Being the dolt he was, Naruto punched in Sasuke's number again, letting out an angry breath as Sasuke's phone began to ring.

"What are you? A stalker? Stop calling!"

"Fine! Don't care about me!" But the blonde knew he was talking to a dead line.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

For the next hour, Naruto stood in the sun, sweat pouring down the sides of his handsome face, pressing that dreaded speed dial number over and over again. Now he knew why the Chinese despised the number four and he completely agreed with them on this belief. Completely, totally, and utterly understood why. No questions asked. Maybe he should move to China….

The following hour's calls went something like this:

_Ring. Ring. Ring. _Complete silence. _Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Naruto screamed.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. _"Hey, this is Sasuke and I'm not here right now because I'm not here. Leave a message and I won't get back to you because listening to my voicemail wastes my minutes." _Beep. Beep._

Naruto screamed.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. _"Yahoo! This is Kiba! Gimme a message and maybe I'll ring you back in a few. Okay! Buh bai!" _Beep. Beep. Beep._

Naruto screamed.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. _"Heeeeeey. Are you lonely? Well, I can get rid of that for you…let's have a party and we can spread chocolate _all over _ourselves…"

"KAKASHI! GIVE THE FUCKING PHONE TO SASUKE!"

"Hey…sexy…what's up?" Genma was going to die.

"The bus is here. We're going. McDonald's was fun, ne?" _Beep. Beep. Beep._

Naruto kept screaming.

One manic car on the road came very close to driving onto the sidewalk and running over his toes. That's when Naruto got a really good idea. Tossing his cell phone carelessly into his pocket, he turned to face the cross-section laid out in front of him. It wasn't really a busy one so only every now and then would a car come zipping out of nowhere to speed away into the distance.

A bright red car was in the distance.

_At least I won't ruin the paint job._ Naruto thought, taking a deep breath.

He threw himself in front of it.

_SCREEEEEEEECH. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

Naruto was most definitely dead.

A door opened and slammed shut in the vague distance and Naruto could only wonder if he was dead. A shoe poked him in the side.

"Are you dead yet?"

**xxxxxx**

"Omigod! He totally fell for that!" Genma was cracking up, doubling over with laughter.

"That was soo freaking funny! I've gotta make a recording outta that and send it to America's Funniest Home Records!" Ino and Sakura were shrieking so hard that their faces hurt.

"Think he's pissed?" Sasuke stared worriedly at the silent cell phone in the palm of his hand.

"Nah, we do this to him all the time!" The pink-haired girl waved it off, continuing to laugh.

"For an hour?"

"C'mon. He's a big boy now. He won't care too much."

"Think he's okay? He hasn't called for a while. What if he got hit by a car?"

Sakura and Ino turned to look at him with wide eyes. Then burst out in a fit of giggles again. "That'd be so funny!"

**xxxxxxx**

Heavily black-rimmed eyes stared into dull blue ones. Naruto had barely moved from the asphalt even though the car had stopped exactly an inch away from snapping his neck into pieces and to be frank, Gaara was worried he had actually killed someone on _accident_.

Gaara did not kill _accidentally._ Gaara killed on _purpose._

"Naruto. Wake up." Nudging the unresponsive boy on the floor with his foot again, he watched as the blonde gave a little grunt, then pushing himself up by his hands.

"Are you God?"

This happened every time. Every time Gaara was getting the chance to speak with Naruto, he would be left speechless, either by the other's stupidity or by the speed of the words coming out. This time it was the stupidity.

"'Cause if you are, this heaven sure looks like Earth." Naruto pointed to nowhere in particular.

"Welcome to the living, Naruto." Gaara motioned to his car, then back at the red face Naruto was sporting, thanks to the sun. "What happened?"

"You see, I was going to walk home since I didn't have any money and my friends, Sasuke and Genma and all those people, decided it would be fun to ditch me and run to McDonalds, which is like a million light years away so I called them to see if Sasuke could go bring his car around and pick me up and they kept going 'hey…wanna hook up and let's have sex tonight?' over and over again and it was really irritating because I was really burning up. Man, you wouldn't believe…"

This time Gaara was shocked speechless by the Daytona racetrack speed the blonde's mouth was surpassing.

When he assumed his voice came back, the redhead remained silent, tuning out the big huge explanation of what had happened. It would be rude to cut someone off midsentence. Not that Gaara really cared. It was just that if he did, it would probably ruin his 0.00000000000000000000000001 percent chance of getting with the adorable, uke-ish, talkative, cute, cuddly, girly, little blonde.

And no, Gaara did not just say he liked cute, cuddly, adorable, little blondes.

He likes cute, cuddly, adorable, little, pretty blonde boys with whisker marks on both cheeks.

"Man! You are my SAVIOR! You should be my best friend, not them creeps! MWAH! THANK YOU!" Naruto grabbed either side of his face and kissed him square on the mouth. Gaara snapped back into hearing mode. Scratch the cute, cuddly part! He liked direct, kissy blondes better!

"You liked that, didn't you? Wanna make out?" Naruto teased. He was SO CUTE with his head tilted to one side and making an offer like that.

"I got a better idea. Wanna do it right here?"

"PERVERT! I'm all sweaty and tired and you're turned on?"

"You're the one who offered to make out so I thought I'd just take it one step further."

"Hmph. Taking advantage of people was always your forte, Gaara, ne? I was just kidding about the making out!"

"I wasn't. In the car, right now. I accept your offer." Gaara jerked his head back towards his sleek convertible.

"I SAID I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THAT!" A blush painted itself across Naruto's face.

_So cute…_

"We can always drive by Sasuke's house if you want…" Naruto grinned and jumped into Gaara's arms.

**xxxxxx**

The front door to the house opened and Sasuke walked in. He wanted to sleep. Stripping off his clothes, he was just getting ready to step into the shower when his phone went off. He ran to go pick it up.

"Hello. This is Sasuke."

"Hallo! What's up? This is Naruto!" There were smacking sounds between every word. Maybe it was because of a bad connection?

"I was going to take a shower."

"That's great! What else?" Same smacking noise.

"Nothing. I was going to take a shower." That noise was getting more and more frequent.

"Mmmmph…chu…well, take a look outside, 'kay?" Sasuke's head whipped around to the window facing the driveway. The blinds were covering it up so he ran over and pulled them up, holding the cordless phone to his ear.

He couldn't believe his eyes. Naruto was sprawled out on his front lawn, topped by Gaara, and they looked like they were attempting to eat each other.

"Hold on while I go and shoot something furry…like a raccoon…" Sasuke clenched his jaw, his eyebrows furrowing into each other.

"Tell Sasuke I'll go and beat the shit outta a bird…like a raven…" Gaara's voice was muffled slightly but the message got across loud and clear.

"Hey! No hurting little animals!"

"But I'm gonna hurt you."

"I am not a little animal!"

"But you will be…"

"Ahhhhhh……………Gaa…ahh…mmmmmph! Haaa………uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Gaa…ah...ra…"

Sasuke was going to be sick.

In the war unbeknownst to the reader between the great Uchiha Sasuke and the even greater Gaara no Suna for only the best uke on Earth, Uzumaki Naruto, Gaara no Suna had gotten the blue ribbon prize.

"YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEX ON MY FRONT LAWN! HAVE SOME SHAME, DAMMIT!" But hey, Naruto and Gaara were already too far along to hear.

Besides, you know you like what you see.

**xxxxxx**

**KlosedDoor: **Ah…so this is the end of my first fanfiction. What is this feeling? It's so light and floatyish. What is it called? Oh yea, superlative failure.

If this wasn't what you were expecting, terribly sorry. It wasn't what I expected to happen either.

It was a weak stab at crack humour but I think it got part of the point across. Inspiration came from the sixty times I called my friends in one hour only to get some guy attempting to speak Japanese and Spanish at the same time and some LL flirting. Yes, very creepy. Of course, all I told them was 'GIVE G.M. THE DAMN PHONE! But they weren't listening.

Please R&R. I'd like to know what you guys think about this.


End file.
